I lost myself to find myself again.

Let’s go back a few years… I started to take ballet classes as young as 8 years old and I continued to pursue dancing for the next 11 years. The dance studio was my safe space, there was no place I rather be. If I had the option to dance for 12 hours a day everyday I wouldn’t hesitate to take the opportunity. At 19 years old I made the decision to take a step away from dancing and decide what was next in my life but there was one thing I noticed. I didn’t have any sense of fashion/style and I had a bad self image. For the past 11 years I lived in pink ballet tights, and slick back buns in audition rooms or rehearsal studios. I really wanted to learn to have more confidence in myself but I also learned that when you ask for things they don’t come on a gold platter. They come in the forms of challenges and obstacles to test you and see if you’re serious about being better for future you. I found myself in my conversation with God asking him to help make me confident, emotionally stable, more kind hearted, and soft. Instead of getting those things immediately I was blessed with a relationship that completely broke me into a million pieces like shattered glass. Each time we argued, he always left me to pick myself up. After a few months I realized that the narcissist I was with was actually the answer to my prayers for building myself. I always say I am thankful for each eventful situation with him but I would never wish those situations unto anyone nor would I want to repeat them. Those were some of the best times to build myself but also some of the scariest times all at once. If you know anything about being in a relationship with a narcissist you know each day and moment is unpredictable with them and you’re always on your toes. In these moments I lost myself during his tactics to try and destroy me to find myself again.